heavenleighcasteel

 Hey all! I've been going through a lot lately, but thankfully this time, it's not a bad going through it! What I've been going through - a transformation of sorts. I finally feel happy. I feel like season 2 episode 1 Delenn. I said in a recent update that I started a new medication that helped, and man has it been helping! Especially now. I'm in a chronic illness flare up, and I can barely get out bed or sit up without exhaustion. I think it is because I exerted myself way, way too much at the concert.

I saw my favorite band in the whole world, Bloc Party, on the seventh! It was one of the best days of my life. They mean the world to me. However, the concert and staying overnight in a hotel afterwards really killed me. I did TOO MUCH and I am PAYING THE PRICE!! Hopefully I get over this soon. It's sort of killing my ability to fandom stuff, you know, when I'm so tired all the time. But the thing is also, it doesn't really matter to me if I'm bedbound or housebound anymore? Something I've noticed is that I'm able to find happiness anywhere if I really look hard enough. Like ok, sure I can't do much, but I can still cuddle my cat and listen to audiobooks and use my laptop if I find the right position and heating pad-neck fan-neck pillow combo. You really do have to find ways to enjoy life even in the dreary moments. For some people, the existence I have right now, they would consider it a fate worse than death. But I believe disabled people can have joy, WILL have joy. I'm happy this way. SURE, it'd be great to be able to go outside and write in the front yard like I used to, but I can't get there again unless I take it easy. And even if I don't get there again? Life is still livable. Enjoyable even. You just have to know where to look.

Does that sound like toxic positivity? I hope not. Understand that I am coming from the perspective of someone who has been severely depressed since the age of five, who is now finally coming out of said depression and trying to adjust to the word around zher. 

On the fandom side of things. I'm working on the roadmap for the project I outlined in a recent locked post / on Fediverse (btw if you are on there please drop me a link and I'll follow you!). I'm participating in noncon exchange and I'm really excited for that. I also got my assignment for the doubles flash today. Joined seasons_of_fandom , even if I don't really know what I'm doing yet. And of course, with each day that passes, Battleship grows near <3 I'm so deeply excited for Battleship.

Oh, and I am running Sapphic Summer this year at toothpastejuice ! Come check it out!

Hope you are all well.